that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
