If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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