Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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