I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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