I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
