cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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