I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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