god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
