Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Pappa wants mamma naked
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
