just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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