There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
