If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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