ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
