I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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