i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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