I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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