I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
