just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
