So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
