Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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