Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
