There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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