You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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