I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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