I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I have aggressive nipples.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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