The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
