The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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