I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
