you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
