she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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