I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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