shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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