before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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