kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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