I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
