I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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