Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
