I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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