I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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