I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
