roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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