so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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