Swine flu. Run for my life!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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