im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
