Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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