My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize