sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
