Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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