I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Drunk is not a location!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize