I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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