Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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