Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
