One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My ATM looks so different sober.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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