i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
