So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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