I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
