Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
