remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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