There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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